Overaaters Anynonmous - Day 8

I went to my second face to face meeting yesterday. Eight days in. For one week I felt freedom, I felt I was at the doorstep of my answer and I felt so free. I felt happy. I felt the burden on my back lift and float away. I felt different.......I felt......hope for the first time in a  long time.

That was the fast forward through the first eight days. Then I weighed in. And didn't loose anything. I Stayed the same, a week of watching, and believing and showing nothing for it.

Concerning program, I actually have no real idea what anything is about yet. I don't know anyone. I haven't called anyone to ask. I am a little lost. I have been reading what I can find online but it is all disjointed and I get some of it an not others. I am back to being confused.

I can say this. I just listened in on a phone meeting and heard a reminder that I only have today. I am still in my calorie count for today, I have not blown it yet although I came really close. One lady said today is a day given to me not to white knuckle it through but to enjoy and grow and change and become. I can do it today. And I defiantly don't want to white knuckle it through the day as I feel I might be doing. I need to release the grip and give it to God.

I have to note one other thing. I was on the way to my meeting yesterday and I wanted a hot drink so I stopped in 7-11. I felt like I walked into the circus with every yummy thing in neon lights, blinking and begging to be consumed. I can only imagine equating it to what  a gambler must feel like walking into a casino. I immediately thought, this was a bad idea.  I tried to self talk my way through it. I got my drink and went to the counter and there were some jalapeno corn nuts. I have never had them before and suddenly I was undone and bought them. I tried several more attempts at self talking trying to talk myself into eating only one helping. I ate the whole bag. On.the.way.to.an.overeaters.anonymous.meeting. Yes, I did. I am so upset at myself for it.

I have just given the meaning to compulsive over eating. I am fully step 1. I admit I am powerless over food — that my life has become unmanageable. I have today. Don't white knuckle it.

Overeaters Anynonmous Day 5

I started thinking about the business this weekend. Thinking I may not he able to make it to the meeting I went to last week and I started to get worried. I looked at OEA's web site and they had listed telephone meetings. So yesterday and today I listened in on a meeting and loved it just the same as the present in person meeting. I foresee myself doing these meetings when I can. Although I still want to go to the face to face meetings. I missed a bunch of the meeting yesterday but enjoyed the sharing time. Today, I listened to a gentleman speak of his recovery. He said some great things.

He talked about his childhood family identifying themselves as having fat genes. If I have heard it once, I have heard it a thousand times, my dad bemoaning the fact that he just can't eat as much as he did when he was a kid. He says it like he is grieving. Really, actual grief. This is my heritage.

Two things Eric said that really weighed on me. First he said something like he just wanted to wake up thinner. And after reading an addiction book it referenced this same thought that addicts want to wake up changed without going through withdraws. This was like a slap in the face. I have thought similar thoughts a thousand times.This is a truth.

He also said his 105 pound weight loss is the least interesting thing about him. I found that a very interesting statement. He said he is fun, adventurous, happy....ect.... I loved that he had let go of the resentment to the world that they pushed him out for years and began to be himself. Loved it.

Overeaters Anyonmous Day 3

Well this is new. First time ever I have wrote a second time on a weight loss blog. I have opened at least three blogs under various names. This is the only one I have made a second log entry.

Never quit quitting, right?

Moving in the winning direction.

So I woke up after dreaming I had lost some noticeable weight. I have been thinking a lot about my first meeting. Honestly I don't get any of the in's an outs of the program. But the one thing, which I know it the first step is abstinence and that is what I have been thinking the most about. Again, I don't know how that works but I do know many things I need to abstain from. I haven't committed to abstinence yet until I know what is reasonable. I think I could have a list a mile long.

I need to stop eating past a certain time at night. I have always resisted this because I think it is basically dumb. I think eating is a calories in, calories out thing not a time of the day you eat thing. But I see what OEA is trying to do. Get your mind off obsessing about food.

Speaking of obsessing.....A week or so back I sliced into my finger opening a can of veggies. It was a duzy, plenty of blood. I had to sit on the couch so I didn't pass out I felt so lightheaded. Me getting the squirmies over medical stuff is still foreign to me but alas it is who I have become. All the while i could feel my heartbeat in my finger. Banging, relentlessly.

I had a similiar expereince this week with food. I went to 7-11 and got my kids a hot dog and they had a promotion going on where you got free chips with each dog. So I got two bags. Since I don't give my kids chips like that, I tucked them under the console of our car. And the heartbeat began, banging relentlessly. I tried portion control. I picked the smallest bag and shared with my kids which was only two servings between the three of us. I thought I was out of the woods but, the banging was relentless. 10:30 at night I couldn't shake it. I had to go get them and scarfed them all down. I literally could not rest until they were gone. And, well what do you know, the heartbeat went away.....

My problem is my actual soul is going away with each bag of chips, each, slide on this slippery slope we call an eating disorder.

Kind of full circle but I get the no eating after  a certain time of the night. If that were a rule of mine, those chips would still be there, they would have lost their hold on me for that moment anyways......

Never quit quitting......

Overeaters Anonymous

I went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting yesterday.

I closed down two blogs. One blog from 2009 listed my weight as 328lbs. The other from 2013 as 323.6lbs. Today I am 311.8

First successes mixed with past failures.

I am reminded to never quit quitting. Never quit beginning.

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 1 Corinthians 9:24&25

I am moving in the winning direction.