Overaaters Anynonmous - Day 8

I went to my second face to face meeting yesterday. Eight days in. For one week I felt freedom, I felt I was at the doorstep of my answer and I felt so free. I felt happy. I felt the burden on my back lift and float away. I felt different.......I felt......hope for the first time in a  long time.

That was the fast forward through the first eight days. Then I weighed in. And didn't loose anything. I Stayed the same, a week of watching, and believing and showing nothing for it.

Concerning program, I actually have no real idea what anything is about yet. I don't know anyone. I haven't called anyone to ask. I am a little lost. I have been reading what I can find online but it is all disjointed and I get some of it an not others. I am back to being confused.

I can say this. I just listened in on a phone meeting and heard a reminder that I only have today. I am still in my calorie count for today, I have not blown it yet although I came really close. One lady said today is a day given to me not to white knuckle it through but to enjoy and grow and change and become. I can do it today. And I defiantly don't want to white knuckle it through the day as I feel I might be doing. I need to release the grip and give it to God.

I have to note one other thing. I was on the way to my meeting yesterday and I wanted a hot drink so I stopped in 7-11. I felt like I walked into the circus with every yummy thing in neon lights, blinking and begging to be consumed. I can only imagine equating it to what  a gambler must feel like walking into a casino. I immediately thought, this was a bad idea.  I tried to self talk my way through it. I got my drink and went to the counter and there were some jalapeno corn nuts. I have never had them before and suddenly I was undone and bought them. I tried several more attempts at self talking trying to talk myself into eating only one helping. I ate the whole bag. On.the.way.to.an.overeaters.anonymous.meeting. Yes, I did. I am so upset at myself for it.

I have just given the meaning to compulsive over eating. I am fully step 1. I admit I am powerless over food — that my life has become unmanageable. I have today. Don't white knuckle it.